I speak on healing quite frequently. Like, a lot. While I have the SAS ministry, I'm also a life and dating coach working with single Christian women. While all of my ladies desire marriage, some are a bit more anxious for it. They crave it. And it's often because of something inside of them that grew from their past. Something that traumatized then in some way, to some degree. And they never took the time to heal from it. Wanting to be married or in a relationship is fine. Desiring companionship is normal. But when you eat, sleep, and breathe the thought of it, it's become an idol. You want it badly because of something that shaped you early on in life. 95% of my clients have deep-rooted daddy issues. There's a little girl that grew physically, but not emotionally.
Often we hear trauma and assume it means something physical or sexual. Not always the case. I know of women who are still traumatized by the emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse they encountered. By definition, trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. This can include a father that left. Or maybe a father that was abusive to the child or mother. Obviously it can be a relative or stepparent that abused in some way. The possibilities are endless, but what matters is the aftermath. And it's why healing from it is so important. Because trauma generates emotions that are often left unprocessed. And it can affect our lives though we fail to realize it. I give 4 R's when it comes to healing, and the first is Realize. You must realize that you're in need of healing and mending. At some point, you have to decide that that thing won't have a hold on you any longer.
For me, I was a little girl that was wearing lies and labels for a while. I lived through and endured things that seemingly had no affect on me. It wasn't until I realized some of my patterns and behaviors that caused me to sit and evaluate what the heck was really going on. Upon doing so, it's when I took notice that a woman had emerged but the child was still within. I, Victoria, had never taken the time to heal from my past and my traumas. And it wasn't pretty.
Not sure if you can relate or not. But you found yourself here reading this, I assume you can. What I'll give you are way to assist in your healing process. Andrea Brandt is a marriage and family therapist and she created this 9 step process to help.
1. Ground it
For this process to work, you must be in your body and in the now. To begin, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Sit comfortably with your eyes closed, and take several deep breaths, bringing your awareness into your body. Squeeze and release your muscles, and feel the heaviness in your arms. Let yourself feel connected to the ground under you. Imagine a stream of energy going from your tailbone all the way down into the center of the earth.
2. Recall it
Think of a situation that you’ve been upset about recently. Find something that provoked a mild to strong emotional reaction, or that would have if you didn’t feel emotionally numb. Review what happened in as much detail as possible, and imagine yourself back in that time and place. Experience it all again with your senses.
3. Sense it
Continue breathing deeply, and spend a moment in quiet relaxation. Then, mentally scan your body for any sensations. This process is called “percolating” because of the way your emotions will stir and bubble up inside you. Observe any physical response you experience — tingling, tightness, burning, etc. Each of these sensations is a bit of information you need to understand your past experience. Explore these sensations, and silently describe them to yourself in as much detail as you can.
4. Name it
Associate an emotion with each of the sensations you feel. Is the tightness in your chest anxiety? Is the heat you feel traveling up your arms anger? It’s important to recognize the often subtle distinctions between sometimes similar emotions. This will give you a greater sense of your experience and a richer knowledge of yourself.
5. Love it
As part of a mindful approach to healing from trauma, we need to fully accept everything that we feel. Whether it’s true to your conscious mind at this moment or not, say, “I love myself for feeling (angry, sad, anxious, etc.).” Do this with every emotion you feel, especially the harder ones. Embrace your humanness, and love yourself for it.
6. Feel/experience it
Sit with your emotions and their sensations, letting the feelings percolate and flow. Don’t try to change or hide them; observe them. Acknowledge and welcome any discomfort you feel, knowing it will be gone soon and will help you to heal. Let your body respond the way it wants or needs to. If you feel the urge to cry, cry. If you feel the need to yell something or punch something, you should yell or punch the air. Expressing your emotions — in a productive way — is key to getting them moving inside you and to fully process them.
7. Receive its message and wisdom
Do the sensations or emotions you’re experiencing right now connect with one or more experiences in your past? Do they give you any insight into the root of the trauma or a negative, limiting belief about yourself? Right now, you might be thinking, “I’m not getting anything.” Ask yourself: “If this sensation or emotion were going to say something to me, what would it be?” If you still have trouble, do some free writing. Journal about what the feeling means, for a full 10 minutes without stopping.
8. Share it
If you feel comfortable sharing your reflections with someone else, do that. Otherwise, write about them on your own. Describe what happened when the wounding incident first occurred, how you reacted at the time, and what you’ve come to see about it now. Talking or writing about your experiences and emotions is an important step in healing. Writing letters (but not sending them) to those who hurt you can be a very effective method for moving an emotion out of your system. Once you’ve shared your reflections ...
9. Let it go
Visualize the energy your trauma took up inside you leaving your body, or perform an act of physical release, like (safely) burning a letter you’ve written to the person who hurt you, or casting off the trauma in the form of an object into the sea. During the period of repentance, many Jews would cast off their sins into a natural, flowing body of water in the form of breadcrumbs. Instead of sins, you can cast off traumas and the emotions and sensations that go with them.
When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?" John 5:6 Sis, my question to you is, do you want to get well? You've been in this position long enough. If your answer is that yes, you want to get well, then here's what Jesus is saying to you today: "Stand up! Pick up your mat and walk!" John 5:8 It's time to walk sis. Breakout of those chains that have held you back for some time now. Those traumas and things produce things inside of us. Those toxins take up residency within and it takes years to be free. I will continue to speak on healing, trauma, rejection issues and fear of abandonment because I know what it does to women. The messenger is prepared before God releases them to release the message. Seeing women stuck here saddens me. It's something I've had to fight through (still fighting) but I'm a warrior. I fight for myself, and I fight for others. Ladies, be free from the bondage. Because when untreated, it will cause you to make excuses for men that you actually need to separate from. You'll stick around waiting for a man to change when truth be told you just want to be chosen and good enough. For once. You'll allow things to be said and done to you because a man made you believe that HE'S the prize that you need. He doesn't deserve you. What you deserve is so much more than you're settling for. Enroll in The Sassy Institute if you haven't already. The first course uploaded is on healing from the past and past traumas. There, I will share the 4 R's to healing. Register here.